I am a 2nd generation born and raised in a local Utah polygamist group called ‘The Order’. I am the oldest of my mom’s children; she had 5 girls. My dad has about 78 kids from 11 or 12 different wives. Life in the order meant I was told where I would live, work and who my friends could be. I wasn’t allowed to have friends from school, just order friends. I was taught that the most important thing as a girl is to have children and please the one above me. (this was either my father and later my husband and other leaders) Growing up in this lifestyle was all I knew.

When I hit my teen years and started to have crushes on some of the boys my age, I was told those feelings were bad, that I need to save those feelings for my husband when I got married. It was a very high requirement that my first kiss be on my wedding day, during the ceremony. When I was 15, I was pulled out of middle school after 8th grade and was being pressured to get married to a much older man; I would have been his 5th wife. I resisted and avoided that as long as I could but when I was 17, I was married as a 3rd wife to a different older man; he eventually had 4 wives.

About 2 months into this marriage arrangement, the ‘Husband’ said to me “Are you pregnant yet, I’ve been with you enough”, to which I was not. Having a baby every year was the most important thing I could accomplish in this type of lifestyle. As the weeks, months and years rolled on and I was not fulfilling my duty to provide a baby, I was told that I was less than, I was told that God didn’t love me because he was not blessing me with a child.

I started to lose the respect from the other sister-wives, the husband and many others in the Order. Things were said to me that I must not be obedient to what I was told to do, otherwise I’d be able to get pregnant. I was told that I must be doing something that the ‘one above me’ doesn’t know about and this was God’s way to let them know that I needed to be reprimanded in some way.

While living there I wanted a child more than anything, so I tried my best to ‘please the one above me’ and I tried to be the perfect obedient wife. But the mental abuse and some physical abuse kept happening to me. I had thought about leaving but ending that marriage would also end ALL relationships I had. Relationships with my 4 younger sisters, my mom, my cousins who were my closest friends. I would lose all of that if I chose to leave the husband and the order.

I was also told throughout my life that if anyone leaves the order, they will go to hell; that God would not offer his protection in the ‘real world’, that I would end up homeless in the streets and on drugs. Eventually, I decided that I was already living in a life that was Hell and I escaped. I lost all of those relationships, friends and family that I cherished. I learned that the real world is big and scary but it’s also very kind and loving. I’ve made new relationships, I eventually had 2 sons that I love and I’m still learning and growing in the real world.

Some of the challenging things I still face are the years of limiting beliefs that were pounded into me from birth, beliefs that I will never be enough, that I am not capable of doing great things nor do I need to do great things and so much more; there is a lot to rewire. I’ve tried to go to counseling in the past, but I’ve found that providers were more interested and fascinated with my story; I never really got tools to help me.

I recently attended a 2-day seminar called Pivot Point and it resonated with me so much and lit a fire in my heart and mind. The seminar was a brief introduction to the yearlong program through Elevated Worldwide. I believe this program will help me break incorrect beliefs about myself and help me re-wire limiting thoughts and beliefs into self-powering beliefs so that I can have the life I was meant to have; and not a life of struggle that the order told me I would have when I left.

One thing that still makes me sad is, when the question is asked “When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up”. I have never been able to answer that question because I never had my own voice to say or even think what I wanted to be or do, but I have that voice now I just need some help learning how to use my voice and learn the power I have inside me to accomplish whatever I want, and possibly help others with similar backgrounds.